The Magic Ratio All Parents Need To Know
With kids having more time at home due to the Covid-19 pandemic and many parents working from home, it has become a challenge to keep the kids busy and maintain our sanity at the same time! However, this time together is also a great opportunity to strengthen our relationship with our children.
The observation of Dr. John Gottman on the determinants of happy and unhappy married couples led him to discover something very interesting. He found that the difference between happy and unhappy couples is the balance between positive and negative interactions — which makes sense — but he also discovered the magic number.
5.
This means that for every negative interaction during conflict, a happy, healthy couple has 5 (or more) positive interactions to counter it.
Look, conflict is inevitable. Whether it is in your marriage, with your kids or with other friends and family members. If we can learn to navigate conflict better, then we can create strong, healthy, long-lasting relationships with those we love.
Let’s take a deeper dive into our relationships with our children.
Dianna Baumrind, a child and developmental psychologist, theorized that parenting styles are likely to have a significant impact on kids’ future success and relationships. By utilizing the 5:1 ratio with our kids, we can ensure the overall experience our kids have with us is a positive one.
Here are examples of positive interactions/actions that you may consider using with your kids more often:
WORDS OF AFFIRMATION. Like any other person, your kids love to hear that their actions and feelings are valid and that they did a good job with something. Do not measure your child’s action with adult criteria, meaning, don’t expect a 5-year-old to clean up their mess every time after being told just once. (Let’s be real, even your hubby still leaves their wet towel on the floor after 10 years of marriage!) Praise progress, and get specific.
HUGS. LOTS OF THEM. When there seems to be no words to say, embracing your child can make a massive impact. Physical affection is crucial in shaping a child’s emotional connection with their parents. Start with high fives or simple touch if you struggle with this type of connection with older children.
POST-IT-NOTES. Some kids love to write and read notes. Leaving them a note that says “I love you” or “I am proud of you”, will bridge the gap between the two of you after a conflict. The surprise itself is fun and can elicit a rush of dopamine — the happy hormone.
TIME TOGETHER. If there is a positive effect that this pandemic has brought us, number one on the list would be TIME. Plan quality time with your kids and I mean no gadgets, no multi-tasking. Just you and them. Your undivided attention for whatever game, story, dance-off or joke they want to share with you. Be intentional with the experiences you create with them. Ask them what they’d like to do with you and then think about how you want them to FEEL during it — then create the experience!
APOLOGIZE. Yes, you read that right. There is nothing wrong with parents saying sorry to their kids whose feelings were hurt because mommy and daddy are also human. We get it wrong sometimes and say hurtful things. When we do, let’s lead by example and take responsibility for our actions.
Our children learn about relationship building from us. How we treat each other as well as the relationship we have with them. By utilizing the 5:1 ratio with our kids, we can quickly transform strained or struggling relationships into more positive and fulfilling ones — and boost our kids' self-confidence in the process! As parents, we have all been tested this past year with increasing stress and uncertainty brought on by changes in our jobs and the change from our normal routines in many areas of life. Start designing the relationship you want with your kids, partner, and all those you love and care for!